Triumph Through Disapproval
As a child, I had a pastor who told my parents he learned to worship by watching me. My spirit was compared to that of David’s. Little did any of us know that I would grow up to be a lot more like David than anyone truly intended.
David was known for having a heart for God, which I most certainly did. But having that spoken over me created expectations that I found myself lost in.
Subconsciously, I tried for many years to run from the word that was spoken over me. I rebelled. Throughout high school, I thrived in bad decision making. It was my sport. I tried my best to run far and fast from this predestined path that kept catching up to me. “Are you done crossing bad decisions off your list?” my mom used to say.
“I speak for the women who have experienced shame and disapproval. For the women who believe their destiny is controlled by anyone other than God. “
At age 19 I found myself married, and within two years had two boys, one of which was diagnosed with Down Syndrome at birth which was a complete surprise. Though my two boys are my greatest gifts in this life, I was four years into a marriage living a complete lie. I found myself involved in two affairs throughout my marriage. I was a modern woman caught in adultery. I was her; alone, terrified, angry, tired, unhappy, and living out a life very similar to that of David’s. My husband found out, and I made the decision to leave him. I started the journey of being a single mom. I started the journey of being judged for my decisions and the life that I was living.
The summer of 2017 I decided I’d had enough. I had enough of the shame, I had enough of believing that my purpose was to be this person and I decided I wanted to live a life I could be proud of.
While my kids were on vacation with their dad, I went back to my hometown. I hadn’t been back since the day I got married at 19, but God seemed to be calling me there. I spent the week re-learning what my story was, what my purpose was. I spent time with my grandmother who reminded me of the legacy of strong, Christian business people from which I had come. I spent time with people who remembered me when the David calling was spoken over my life. They remembered me for the way I worshipped, for the heart I had for God, and they poured truth and life into me.
That week changed me. I was encouraged by people who knew my foundation and they brought my love for God and who I was back to surface. I made it my mission to implement that in every decision I made going forward. Though I was scared to charge forth and face the realities of my life, I knew that God would propel me forward into a life of joy and purpose, no matter what.
“So here I stand today the mother of two incredible boys, a successful business owner, a worshipper, and a child of the King. I am now living out my God-ordained story.”
After that trip to my hometown, I got on a plane and headed back to my boys. I faced my troubles, I faced my realities, and I accepted myself, knowing the only approval I needed was from God. I started to live a life I was proud of; it started with quitting my current job and following my dreams of having my own marketing agency. This journey hasn’t been easy by any means, and shame has taken a large toll on my life, but God is so good.
So here I stand today the mother of two incredible boys, a successful business owner, a worshipper, and a child of the King. I am now living out my God-ordained story. I am living a life of worship using the gifts and talents God gave me to help small business owners learn who they are and how to strategically tell their story to their customers.
I speak for the women who have experienced shame and disapproval. For the women who believe their destiny is controlled by anyone other than God. For the women who are seeking a life to be proud of, despite their mistakes and despite their circumstances. I encourage all women to live a life of joy, because there is so much to be had in this world, and to always remember there are people who believe in you and love you regardless of your flaws. The most important of those is your heavenly Father.